Thankful mama

Happy Thanksgiving!!  I love this holiday . . .my favorite people, delectable dishes, comfy couches and a roaring fire.  The only pressure I feel is not burning my pies!  There has been a lot of thankful talk and postings this month and I find that remembering what there is to be grateful for always puts life in perspective. The kids spent a lot of time writing their own thankful lists, which were so special to read.  There's a lot of tired, anxiety and sheer responsibility that can fill all hours of a mom's life, but remembering the little things I love constantly makes all worthwhile.   Given this is my blog about what I learn from being a mom, here area few of  the countless thanks-filled moments I'm grateful for that mamahood has provided:

1. Shaking hands holding a pregnancy test watching two lines form after months and months of trying to get pregnant and an inexplicable explosion of emotion that a little life was inside of me

2.  Feeling the first fluttering sensation of my daughter's movement

3.   Amazing medical care, doctors and technology that saved my firstborn's life (another blog to come later about this!)

4.  Seeing her face for the very first time and counting the tiniest little fingers and toes I had ever seen

5.  Walking into all of their bedrooms and breathing in the sweet, smell of their skin and "babiness" that engulfed the room (not including the sensations of full diapers that, at times, also could permeate the room)

6.  Chubby, sticky fingers choosing to grab mine

7.  The swelling pride of seeing first steps and hearing the blissful, sweet first utterance of "mama"

8.  Sad eyes that lock on to mine and find comfort only in my arms

9.  The simplicity in my kisses being able to heal all hurts

10.  The sheer wonder and delight in finding ladybugs, blowing dandelions into the wind, chasing bubbles, first snowfalls, hot chocolate after sledding, bare feet digging into sand, jumping over waves, catching fireflies, licking the beaters, finding a rainbow, jumping and splashing through puddles . . .I could go on and on

11.   I am thankful to be the most important person in the world to these little people

12.  That when they are scared, snuggling in bed and backrubs make everything better

13.  I'm thankful for footie jammies and breathing in after-bath skin

14.  Bedtime prayers and hugs that don't let go

15.  Homemade cards and laminated Christmas ornaments

16.  Watching them sleep at night 

17.   Huge smiles when they're so proud to tell me of a latest accomplishment

18.  Dancing in the kitchen and singing wonderful nonsense until we are heaped in a pile in peals of uncontrollable laughter

19.  After school snacks and conversations that let me into their hearts

20.  Having these miniature, fantastically and wonderfully amazing creatures trust you with their everything and getting to be their heroes who grow into friends . . .

Happy Thanksgiving!

What's in a Name?

Twizzler, Litey, Housey 2, Clothesy-Potty, Sweetie-Sweetie-Holy-Holy, Baby Pups Pink, Blon-Blon, Sister Cordy . . .These are the names given to some very special members of the Miller extended family.  I have no idea how they were determined, but every time a new "member" is adopted, special thought and consideration is put into this process as my three year old studies the face of any new stuffed animal and comes up with what they will be called.  I'm often tempted to get her more just to hear what name she'll come up with next!  I might have a suggestion, but those are never taken.  These are her babies, they belong to her and she takes naming them very seriously.  We were at a college retreat last weekend and had the rare opportunity of just taking Lexi with us.  The other two stayed with their cousins since we had just been with them for the funeral of my husband's grandmother.  Of course, given the fact that our baby girl has her daddy tightly wound and wrapped around all of her fingers, it took less than five minutes of arriving and needing to pick up a couple of things at the little country store that Sweetie-Sweetie-Holy-Holy (appropriately named, I thought, at a spiritual retreat) had found her way into Lexi's lap.  This new little stuffed animal puppy was richly welcomed and given the royal treatment, never leaving Lexi's side.  Not too long after, Lexi noticed a small tear where the thread had begun to unravel and was very upset that her puppy was hurting.  My less-sentimental-we-should-get-what-we-overpaid-for instincts kicked in and I wanted to replace this new unraveling toy for a better one.  I proceeded to tell Lexi that we would take her to the puppy doctor and get her "taken care of."  I got the exact same puppy, no rips and no difference in appearance, and proudly presented "healed" Sweetie-Sweetie-Holy-Holy to my daughter.  Problem solved!  Lexi held her puppy, studied her quickly and with sad eyes, looked at me and told me that this was not, in fact, Sweetie-Sweetie-Holy-Holy, but her brother, and that made her very sad.  For the life of me I couldn't find any difference in the two, but she knew.
    That night I looked up at the sky in the mountains to look at the stars in a place far from city lights.  I am continually in awe and overwhelmed with their vastness.  But what amazes me more is that God has named every one of them and always knows if one is missing.  The sheer thought of coming up with that many names is exhausting!  Looking up at them from one moment to another, I would have no idea which was which.  But God does.  That comforts me.  I love that a God with that kind of greatness, power and strength carefully constructs and names even the stars, that have no souls.  How much more does he uniquely know me and have the ability to care for me?  He is so grand and yet so intimately connected to each of us individually, down to knowing the number of hairs on my head.  He knows me and uniquely cares for me.  And in that thought, I am humbled and I am grateful.

Isaiah 40:26

 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.

Luke 12:6-8

⁶ Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. ⁷ Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Good medicine

        This morning was especially cold with a melancholy November rain making the sadness feel even more raw.  I looked around at the group huddling under the canopy at the gravesite as so many said goodbye to a woman who was leaving a legacy (and arguably an army) of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren who literally wouldn’t be here without her.  I personally did not know GGMa, as the great grandchildren called her, very well, but am so blessed because of her life and the family that I now get to be part of.  There have been a lot of negative campaigns and villainous fairy tales about mother-in-laws, but I have the best, really.  I consider her to be a best friend and so the sadness of seeing her sad is what pained me the most.

         Several days earlier, my youngest daughter Lexi and I were talking about the upcoming days and emotions that would be there and I was trying to explain funerals and death to a three year old.  We then changed the subject and started writing out a thankful list.  I asked her what should be first and she replied “Grandma’s mommy.”  We said prayers together that night and she prayed “thank you God that I can make Grandma feel happy,”  we talked about her favorite memory verse and the one that says “A cheerful heart is good medicine.”  She said to me “Mommy, I will be that cheerful heart that can be good medicine to Grandma.”  There is not a lot you can say at moments of great sadness, but we can be good medicine to others that comfort and quietly state that we are there.  As I watched under that canopy, one by one each of the grandkids surrounded my mother-in-law, no prodding necessary and just embraced her quietly without letting go.  They are all young, but understood the power of comfort, cheering and hugs in this moment.  It was quite special to observe.  Lexi, on this afternoon, seemed extra full of that spirit as well.  Sometimes I marvel at the way God can work through children, where their little hearts and minds just know how to rise to an occasion that only they can really do.  She was boundless in her joy this day and brought a lot of smiles to tear stained faces. She gave lots of hugs and really lived out being the cheerful heart.  That night we said prayers before bed with Grandma and Lexi prayed, “God, thank you that this funeral was so fun.” We laughed and though it had been a day of mourning, memories and tears, somehow in there, the good medicine had eased the pain.   

                                             Proverbs 17:22  "A cheerful heart is good medicine."

Dance Party

      The music was blaring "Thriller," and my bobbing, blond-haired figurante swooped her way over to the table, nodding and hopping to the song excitedly cheering, "Yay! Yay! I love this one!"  The dance party was in full swing in my living room and sheer joy lit us up.  Beads (sounds nicer than to say rivers) of sweat were spilling down my husband's forehead and the energy was amazing.  Now I am not a dancer, thanks to the genetic blessings of my father, but after enough "Mom, come on's" I had no choice and joined in the swoopings of arms and collapsings in heaps of belly laughter.  There were ear to ear grins on all of their faces and sweaty little palms grabbed mine as we twirled around together.

     This really was a party I didn't want to miss.  There was no real occasion, except that of the delight of being family.  The attire for this affair were jammies, sweat pants and bare feet and it was by invitation only.  My kids felt no inhibitions and the disappointment and stress of stormy weather and being apart were long since forgotten.  Their security was sure and their contentment was high.  I stood back taking it in, thankful for this moment, right now.  Children's joy is simple and reminds me to let go of life's daily pressures.  Our hot water had been gone for several days, and upon its return, I was met with what felt like the Colorado mountains of laundry, dishes and catching up, a lot of administrative tasks with work, my husband's Grandma in hospice waiting to die, bills to pay . . .life happens and yet, on this night and in moments like these, I'm reminded to let go and enjoy the simple pleasures that don't require much except a bit of heart.  Being around my children brings me joy.   God promises that being around him is what will bring us joy and in that I can find strength.

Psalm 21:6 

Surely you have granted him unending blessings
    and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

Powerless

      Saying goodbye to my kids is always a dreaded moment.  We were leaving before the morning arousals began, but they made me promise to try to wake them with a hug and kiss goodbye.  I bent over my daughter’s bed and smiled at her dreaming state and gently stroked her hair off her forehead and placed a kiss there, while in a more than gentle whisper so as to fulfill my promise of waking her, said goodbye.  Her eyes blinked slightly open and a smile crept across her face, which quickly returned back into a furrowed brow, indicating that goodbyes were no more fun to her than to me.  “We’ll be back so soon,” I replied to her concerned expression and then I moved to the next sleepy-eyed encounter.   My husband and I have wonderful opportunities to speak at different times, which are always rewarding and I consider a great blessing.  I look forward to the time away to meet new people and to hopefully bring some encouragement to them and as well, we get to see some pretty incredible places.  This weekend we were headed to Vail, CO to speak to college students there at a campus ministry retreat.  It really was one of the most beautiful places I’ve been! 

            However, Frankenstorm was also preparing a debut that would alter the promises we made to these 3 little people that we’d be home by Sunday evening.  We had such an encouraging time with the Colorado ministries.  Their faith and hospitality inspired me.  We finished the time there, keeping close tabs on the weather and airport conditions  (I think I wore down my phone screen over the corner where I continually checked the weather channel app).  We felt no concern about getting home and my son’s voice sounded assuredly more secure that we were able to be speaking about me kissing him goodnight in mere hours.  We had already checked in and were putting our bags on the luggage conveyor as the attendant there checked our tickets and quickly then told us to not have our ride leave.  All east coast flights had been cancelled.  We were not going home this night.  My heart sank.  The thought of telling my kids that though I said we would be home, we would not be.   I was powerless to change any weather pattern or airline policy (and honestly, in the split second of logical thought, I’d much rather not fly through a hurricane) and felt very far away from home.  I slumped into the car of the friends who didn’t bat an eyelash about us coming back to their home.  I was extremely grateful for their willingness to take in us vagrant wanderers, but also holding back the tears of disappointment to not see my kids.  Kevin called the kids to let them know (because I couldn’t handle it) and immediately I heard the tears.  My oldest is not the first to cry in emotional scenarios, but she broke down immediately as did my heart simultaneously.  My son was next to hear the news and had caught wind from his sister’s tears.  He wanted to talk to me and I mustered pulling it together and tried to put the pieces of my cracked voice into “strong mommy” tone.  Now, I know this must sound dramatic and perspectively speaking, things could have been enormously worse, but you can’t tell that to the inner workings of a mother’s emotional condition at moments like this.  I was depressed.  And clearly, so were my children.

            Soon enough, the power was out at home and the kids were thrilled to eat by candlelight, build forts using flashlights and carve pumpkins.   I could do nothing to be near them, but it’s at moments like these that I become very aware of how much I have to be thankful for.  In a matter of five minutes of our flight being cancelled, I had friends who were willing to drop their lives and not just begrudgingly take on the task of taking care of my, at moments very emotional kids, but eager to.  We weren’t sure when we’d get back, but we had friends who told us it would make them happy and could they please stay with our children so they could protect and encourage them.  I know I’m pretty lucky and overwhelmingly blessed to have them.  It is when I am powerless that I am most reminded of God’s power.  It’s really not up to me to decide when and where I make my next move.  Hurricanes happen.  I can plan in hope, but our lives are a mist and the sovereignty of God is just that.   Now I am sitting on a plane on my way home and I feel the anticipation of Christmas morning as I look forward to being home.   

James 4:13-15 “ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Mother-hawk eyes

Occasionally I may insert flashbacks from past mamahood moments that I'll keep preserved in the memory banks of my mind such as this one . . .

Every weekday at precisely 3:00 pm is one of my favorite recurring moments.  The car rider line of mini vans and station wagons stretches around a corner in the parking lot not visible to the eyes of the pint sized riders.  But to me, I have a VIP seat to a sight that surprisingly changes only in the details of what color dress, converse sneakers and whether it’s a braid or pony tail day.  What happens remains the same and I keep treasured  in a special corner of my heart.  The intercom blares “last call for car riders,” and miniature people start pouring out of the gates of first grade.  She walks out timidly, a turquoise tinker bell back pack half the size of her, strapped on her little frame. Nervously her eyes dart up and down the line of mommies and then not yet seeing me in her quick 30 second search she walks back to the teacher on duty and waits quietly looking straight ahead for me to find her.  Because I can’t leave the other two kids alone in the car, I begin a little wave and a moderately loud “Emma, over here!” that she never hears as her intense focus to find me overshadows what’s clearly in front of her.  As I zone in on her, as only a mother hawk can, her eyes have a shy insecurity as she twists the straps of her backpack between her fingers waiting for me to claim her. Then proceeding with a more acrobatic and enthusiastic attempt of hand waving, jumping and exertion of vocal cords, her eyes catch mine and I witness a wave of assuredness warm her soul and all insecurity melts away.  A smile erupts over her soft golden face and her olive eyes twinkle with delight.  She belongs to me and there she finds confidence.  We laugh together as I tease her that as always I am right in front of her and she just searches too hard to find me.
    Likewise, so many times I need the assuredness that God is always waiting for me.  There is never a need to wonder whether he will show up, nor whether he wants to be there to take me with him.  In fact, he is often doing acrobatics and actively exerting his energies to prove his presence to me.  Often the anxieties and  stresses in life make me look past the peace that God continually offers right in front of me.  He knows me and understands me like no one else and he looks to give me strength if I follow him.

"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
2 Chronicles 16:9

Show me the love

    So this week has definitely brought some revelations . . .As I have said, I have three little treasures.  They are all uniquely different and wonderful.  However, Treasure #2, this week has taught me a lot about how to love uniquely.  He is my most sensitive and declares himself a mama's boy.  My husband threw his back out last week and my respect for single moms again went through the roof . . .I felt like I was managing a team, rather than being able to give specific attention and lots of encouragement.  My patience finally shipwrecked Sunday morning.  When you are married to a preacher who often has meetings before church, Sunday mornings with three kids is anything but easy . . .I never understood the thought behind the Commodores song, sigh.  Anyways, my son has the passion of his father, and let's just say their emotions far outweigh the emotions of all three of us estrogen producing ones.  It's easy for me to constantly find myself repeating, "Caleb, no" or "don't do that Caleb" or "Please stop bothering your sisters!"  He's the middle child between, a smart, always aiming to please and easy older sister and a center stage, life of the party younger one.  Now, in the middle of this birth order is the most affectionate, sensitive, "best smile in the world", makes me always feel loved, bright eyed seven year old boy, that has my heart like no other.  I've just had to learn lately to make sure he has declarative, bold affirmation that leaves no doubt in his little mind that there is any competition or question of how I feel about him.  When I do this, he shines brightly and everything good in him is exponentially visible to me and others around him.  Every night, I kiss him and hug him at least 12 times and tell him how he's my favorite son.  He always rebuts that it's only because he's my only son and then I proceed to tell him why I love him, and his face beams.   I always know and believe why I think he's so amazing, but in the daily, patience-trying moments of life, I can forget to make sure he knows that I think that.  After one of these recent nights, Emma said something not entirely encouraging to him and he was deflated.  She and I talked a few minutes later and I explained some of these things to her.  Her heart was melted and it resulted in the above note that she wrote to her brother and then was followed by a huge hug (that rather shocked him).  Her assurance and confirmation of how she really feels about him made his day (and night).
       When I think about myself, I am always in need of assurance.  Left by myself for too long, I can tell you a thousand imperfections about me and why I don't measure up.  Words of affirmation and being shown love by others puts the wind in my sails. I've had to learn to accept, that ultimately God has shown me his love in the most amazing of ways and as much as I'd like to explain away why he shouldn't, his "letters of affirmation" prove otherwise.  I can feel guilty and bad about myself enough and yet when I stop to really hear and allow myself to be shown how God feels about me, it gives me the confidence and security to actually believe it, and therefore, to revel in it.

Deut. 7:6  "The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."

Eph. 3:17-19  "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."