Vibrant in the Rain

Sometimes, I think the autumned trees look more vibrant in November rains.  But almost always, I think to stand in the rain to see them feels soggy, cold and with a miserable rawness that penetrates to your bones. This feels like my life at times right now.  (Sunshine, blue skies and 72ish degrees make me happy.) The rawness and cold of life's storms don't stay away because we ask them to and prayers don't always get answered in the ways we want them to.  Rain, and dare I say, devastating storms fall on us all at some point. And I hate this. I hate this more than I ever imagined I could.

My dad is my hero, if there is or was ever a man in this world that I know, he is the goodliest that I have ever met.  And yet, life's rains don't discriminate the good from the bad. As I have watched him take the hits and face the storms, he has been nothing short of heroic, steadfast in his faith and caring about how to lift the burden that he fears I feel. He is standing taller and more vibrantly in the rain. I've always expected that my dad, my kid's Papa would be running with them until he was ninety. That's been my plan.  It's not seeming like God and I are on the same page and I can't begin to understand why.  I've gone through every reasoning in my head and, with Him, I've persuaded, pleaded and, with all abandon, begged that he see it my way.

We got home late a couple of nights ago and as I said goodnight to my 11 year old son and was walking out, he said, "Wait, you forgot to pray with me."  I was exhausted and was hoping a quick goodnight would suffice that night.  I turned back around, sat next to him and said "You're right, let's pray."  My prayer was short and rather obligatory that night.  Then Caleb began to pray and mid sentence, for the first time, he shifted his request as he started to pray as he always does for his Papa. As he was asking for God to heal him, he paused and then changed his prayer to one that started, "And God, I pray that you would heal . . .I mean, I also pray that you would encourage Papa's heart and make him feel happy."  I'm relearning to pray a bit too, not to stop asking for my desires, but to find the strength and comfort through the unbearably hard even when solace feels so distantly far away.  Caleb helped me this night to learn this more, as even his young faith is being formed, not just in the blue skies and sunshine, but especially through the rain.

I'm not thinking right now that I'll ever understand the why's. I'm just trying to figure out how in the world to be at peace with that. What I do know, and what I'm learning is that, in fact, the blood orange, sun-glittered gold and crimson leaves do seem to shout more boldly against the backdrop of gray and storm.  And I can appreciate that.  I can find comfort and joy in the presence of what is here today.  My dad is with me now and I'm enjoying the brightly colored leaves, focusing on that, rather than how the cold is raw and burns, and the anticipation of winter is coming. Today, the vibrancy is shining and that is what I am choosing to converge upon.