The Big Brother

I just finished tucking my younger two kids in bed and let Caleb sleep with Lexi in her room in Emma's bed while she is at a sleepover.  I stood at the top of the stairs smiling at the priceless conversation I got to eavesdrop in on.  It went something like this:

"Caleb?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, I just thought you were asleep. . ."
"Oh"
"Caleb?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't you just think these stars are the most beautiful ever?"
"Uh, I guess so"
"Caleb?"
"Yeah?"
"I just love you so much"
"Lexi, you're funny"
"Yeah, I am, but I think you're even funnier"
"Yeah, I guess I am the funniest, and Lexi, if you need to go potty tonight, just tell me and I'll help you"
"Caleb?"
"Yeah?"
"Caleb, I just love that when I wake up in the morning, you will always play with me, I have the best big brother ever"
"Oh"

I love the way they love each other and the way that Lexi looks up to her big brother.  I remember back to one of their first times together and feeling so excited that this little girl has a big brother . . .

“Where’s my big brother shirt?” is a question I heard often in those early days.  It had been washed many times since it was bought on the day she was born.  Just over a month after it was given to him, it was beginning to already have that faded, slightly stained and well worn, favorite t-shirt look.  Any day that he could, Caleb wanted to wear this shirt with honor, so proud that he was the big brother now.  He adored his little sister and took his new role very seriously. 

Sitting quietly in bed next to me one  morning as I was half in and out of sleep, my little three year old Caleb leaned over to his little sister and stroking her on the cheek, I heard him whisper to her, “Baby Alex, you’re perfect. You are just perfect, baby.  I couldn’t ask God for you to be any better.  I’m your big brother and I will protect you from dragons and monsters and trains.”
 

So often I see myself as unworthy before God and my flaws seem huge and overwhelming.  I can feel like I walk in and out of grace because of what I do or don’t do.  Yet, in Jesus we have a big brother who presents us before his father, our father, as always perfect.  He took his role seriously as the “older brother” to even give up his own life to protect us from ever having to be insecure in knowing where we stand before God.

 In those early days, Caleb didn’t analyze day to day or moment by moment if he loved his sister, in fact most of the times he was holding her or praising her worth, she had poopy diapers and spit up under her chin.  Yet, to him, she couldn’t have been more perfect.  Neither did Lexi question or doubt his sincerity because she might be a mess.  She just looked back at him with big adoring eyes, reveling in the love of her big brother.  And now, almost four years later, he is even more the "bestest big brother ever." Trust me they have their many "non-angelic sibling moments,"  but he proudly and emphatically fights with his nerf swords as the brave knight protecting his little sister, the princess, from the dragons, trains and monsters.  She adores him and he loves being the big brother.  Do you trust that this is how God consistently looks at you because of the big brother that we have?

Col 1:22

22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-

(from New International Version)

Heb 2:11-12

11 Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.

Crazy Love

I just finished writing back to a friend of mine who is thinking of having three children and was asking how that transition was from two kids to three kids.  It took all of a half a second to be emphatically and joyfully assuring to her that three kids made my life feel complete and I couldn't imagine life differently.  It's crazy alright, but crazy wonderful and I remembered back to one of those early and very common scenes of my life in some of those newborn years and things I learned then. . .  

The phone was wedged in between my shoulder and my ear, trying to take in and respond attentively to the conversation at hand, while I held three dirty diapers in one hand and 409 carpet cleaner in the other to clean up a mess from my dog as he urinated in the middle of howling at my previously screaming newborn who had finally fallen asleep and let me put her down in the swing.  Then my 3 year old slipped on a blanket, crashing into the swing, waking up the baby as he cried.  They both began a melodious concert of high pitched cries and screams that the dog soon again joined in as well.  My friend quickly excused me from our conversation where I then hugged my son, then picked up the baby, only to have a gush of projectile digested milk come pouring over me. At this moment I sat down, decorated in spit up, baby in hand and surrendered my sanity.  I started to feel the tears well up and then began to laugh uncontrollably at this wonderful, crazy life that I always wanted.  Unending chaos, bottomless laundry, dirty dishes abounding, hormones highly elevated and yet having these tiny fingers wrap around mine tightly, the crazy fades and I realize how much I love all of this, every moment of it.

            The hours seem to disappear and before I can blink it is bedtime.  Dinner is done, baths have been taken, prayers have been said and the routines are through, I realize I’m still breathing and can hear myself think.  Caleb has a long list that we go through every night:  Can you lay down with me and can we talk about things?  Can you rub my back for one minute? Can you keep checking on me?  If I have nightmares can I crawl in your bed?  Can you put water at the end of my bed and turn lullabies on?  And every night, I routinely answer yes to all of these requests.  As I fulfill my promise to check on them, I can’t help but well up with tender love as I kiss the cheeks of my sleeping miracles.  It’s during these rare, quiet moments that I understand why God calls me to be still and remember him. 

Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God"